Learning how to love

By Erin Glynn

One of the greatest lessons I have learned since becoming a student – and now teacher – of dog psychology and behavior is how to love.
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In the United States, how we love our dogs has created a crisis. We love our dogs as we love our children – applying all the same feelings and behaviors we express with human dependents in our care to our devoted canine companions. The problem is, however, dogs need us to love them as dogs.

In today’s society, we identify being a true dog lover as pouring affection onto our dogs, spoiling them with toys, food and grand accommodations. The result? We have countless dogs who are frustrated and unfulfilled who act out as they struggle to take on roles we humans unfairly ask them to fill.

I am as guilty as any – I too failed dogs in my life by giving them love the way I wanted to give it without thinking about how they needed me to love them.

Yes, many of us have failed our dogs as owners because we have loved our dogs as we wanted to love. But as my mother and grandmother taught me as I was growing up, “when you knew better, you did better.” We cannot let past failures hold us back. We can only look to change our behavior in the future. And once I knew better, I did better and I still work each day to make sure that I love my dogs as they need and not as I need to love them.

Our dogs need us to love them by providing structure and discipline, creating boundaries and exercising them mentally and physically. As Cesar Millan has tried to drill into all of us who have heard him speak, read his books or watched his show, the best technique for becoming a pack leader is to provide exercise, discipline and affection. When you practice exercise, discipline and affection – in that order – you will without a doubt find that this is a recipe for success and helps bring balance to your dog’s life – as well as your own.

I love my dogs differently than I love my daughter. If I had become a mother 10 years ago when I was a dog lover without an understanding or appreciation of dog behavior, my answer would have been different. But I know better now and I give love as it is needed and not as I need to give it. That said, while I love my dogs differently than my daughter, it does not mean I love them any less.

When my daughter cries, she needs me to pick her up and soothe her. She needs to be comforted physically and emotionally when she is scared, upset or in pain. If one of my dogs is scared, hurt or in pain, I cannot apply these same soothing or comforting techniques because it will only reinforce these feelings instead of helping to soothe or change them.

Our Coco came to us a shut-down dog. She was not only unsure of people, but of everything around her. The only thing she was sure of was other dogs – in particular, our Emma. While walking Coco, she would become so scared of things in her environment – whether a parked car, another person walking by, or even just sounds coming from someone’s backyard – that she would shut down and would be unable to move forward.

If I had loved her as I wanted to love her, I would have picked her up, comforted her and carried her back home where she felt safe. But this would have only reinforced the fear she had in that environment. It would also have reinforced for Coco that I was a weak pack leader who was also fearful and lacking confidence.

Instead, Coco needed me to love her by helping her to move forward and exposing her to the things that scared her little by little until she gained enough confidence to move past them without stopping. When she made progress or moved past something that previously would have stopped her in her tracks, she was rewarded with praise and affection.

By the end of her short life, Coco was a different dog. If she had received love as we humans have become accustomed to giving it to dogs, the fearful, nervous dog she was when we first met her would have been the only dog she ever was. Instead, by giving her love the way she needed it, she became a confident, happy and balanced dog who brought us more joy than can be expressed in words.

Loving dogs is easy – but loving dogs the way they need us to love them is a challenge. As I said previously, it is a commitment I renew daily. Even with everything I have learned and now know about how to love my dogs, I still struggle. Most recently, I found myself struggling to love Coco as she needed me to as she neared the end of her life.

Her body betrayed her and by the end, she could no longer process food and she became incontinent. I loved Coco so much that I was prepared to syringe feed her and clean her and stay up with her all night for as long as she would survive. At one point, days before she passed, I even admitted that while Kevin was ready to let her go, I wasn’t quite there yet.

Our decision to put Coco to peace arrived when I finally came to terms with loving Coco as she needed me to love her even in this most difficult of ways. I needed to wake up to her face, hold her in my arms, and continue caring for her because I needed to love her here with me for as long as possible. But my girl needed me to love her by letting her go.

In her too-short life, Coco gave me more than I could ever have given her. I wanted to spend every second of the time she had left giving her everything I could in hopes it could be a drop in the bucket of gratitude I felt to her for everything she gave me. But there came a point when she didn’t need me to clean her, to feed her, to hydrate her or to warm her with blankets. She needed me to love her and let her go. I had loved her as she needed me to love her from the time she joined our family. I now needed to honor that commitment to love her as she needed at the end as well.

The ultimate gift we can give our dogs is to love them as they need us to love them. Our dogs need us to provide exercise, boundaries and structure. Our dogs need affection as a reward for balance. Our dogs need us to love them as dogs.

Loving our dogs as they need us to and not as we are used to is challenging and can be foreign. Many worry that their dogs will not know they are loved unless they let them sleep in their bed, lounge on the couch or receive constant treats and affection. I used to worry about these things as well. But I saw first hand how happy my dogs were when I loved them as they needed.

I loved Coco as she needed and renewed the promise to always do so as I let her go. Did she know I loved her? I know she did. I truly believe that as Coco closed her eyes and slipped away from us that the one thing she knew was how much she was loved.